


A Want to be Held

by Hidetouken



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I did this instead of doing my grad school applications oops, M/M, my inbox got inundated with touch starved Hide headcanons so here you all go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-08
Updated: 2018-10-08
Packaged: 2019-07-27 22:20:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16228466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hidetouken/pseuds/Hidetouken
Summary: After years of isolation Hide is touch starved, but refuses to say anything about it. Will Kaneki notice?





	A Want to be Held

He had felt it for awhile, it was a deep aching emptiness that had settled in his chest. It was easy enough to ignore while he was occupied, but now it was hitting him with a vengeance.

He was currently in a room full of ghouls trying not to cry as a pair of arms wrapped around him. 

A reunion of sorts was being thrown in one of the halls of the CCG headquarters for the remaining members of Goat and investigators now that Kaneki has finally awoken from his two week slumber. Many of the ghouls, along with Hide himself, were still being housed there as the CCG had yet to find proper accommodations for them. The reunion was being thrown as a way to give them all a break from the work they had been doing to rebuild Tokyo after the Dragon incident, and Hide had been asked to come as many of the ghouls viewed him as being the reason that they were finally able to come out of hiding.  

He had expected to show up, maybe spend some time reconnecting with the few ghouls he knew like Kaneki, Touka, and Nishio, but he had not been prepared for the young ghoul Hinami to throw herself at him in gratitude the moment that she saw her. 

That is how Hide found himself now swallowing past a lump in his throat and blinking away tears as the shock of being held by someone after so long caused the aching in his chest to come roaring into the front of his mind where here couldn’t ignore it.

“Hide…?” Hinami asked after a few seconds when Hide didn’t return her hug, “did I do something wrong?”

“N-no, you didn’t,” He managed to say as he raised his arms and wrapped them around the younger ghoul, “It’s just been a while since anyone’s done this to me is all.” 

Ayato raised an eyebrow from where he watched from behind Hinami but ultimately said nothing in response to what had just happened, and Hide was grateful. He didn’t particularly feel up to being questioned about his reaction right now, especially now that the ache in his chest had deeped and had begun to consume his thoughts.

Once the hug ended Hide politely excused himself from the two before things could get awkward. Hinami saw him away with a happy waive that Hide returned before he started weaving through the crowd of ghouls. 

Not paying attention to where he was going, Hide bumped into someone and he swallowed down a surprise yelp as his heart jumped into his throat at the contact. When he turned to see who it was to apologize he felt all the air in his lungs get knocked out of him.

In front of him, looking a little embarrassed himself, was none other than Kaneki. The two had had what Hide considered to be a disappointing reunion. Hide had wanted to run up and hug his friend but he had followed Kaneki’s lead and kept it more casual. 

Now Kaneki was in front of him again and the desire to reach out and wrap his arms tightly around his friend overwhelmed him. He settled on crossing on of his arms over to grab at the other instead.

“Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going…,” Hide said once he regained his breath, “There are a lot of people here, huh?”

Kaneki stared at him for a moment as if he was trying to figure something out before he finally answered “Yeah, it seems like ghouls who even have a place to stay right now showed up for this event. I haven’t had a moment of quiet all night,” He answered, alluding to the fact that all of the ghouls were partially there to see him, their former king.

“Well that’s what happens when you become so popular,” Hide joked, giving Kaneki his best attempt at a smile with his eyes.

“Yeah, I guess so…” Kaneki answered, trailing off as he looked around the room seemingly in thought.

“I’ll leave you to getting around to see everyone else then,” Hide responded, wanting and excuse to leave what he felt like was becoming an awkward situation. Kaneki seemed preoccupied and Hide still couldn’t quell the urge to reach out and take his friend in his arms and he figured he should make his escape before he broke. 

Kaneki sighed in response and gave Hide a strained smile. 

“Yeah, I guess so,” He answered, and at his words hide held up a hand to wave him goodbye.

“We’ll catch up later,” He called before he turned to head back into the throng of ghouls. He could vaguely hear Kaneki’s affirmation as he walked off.

Hide didn’t linger much longer. He hung around just long enough that it wouldn’t seem suspicious when he finally decided to make his exit. 

Lucky for him, no one questioned it when he ducked out of the reunion early claiming that he was tired from all the work he was doing with the CCG to coordinate rescues and relief efforts in the city and that he had to get up early tomorrow to continue on with it.

Once outside of the room he took a moment to slump up against the wall and grip at his aching chest. He almost wanted to curse Hinami for opening up the floodgates that he had been trying so hard to keep locked up, but he didn’t have the heart to blame the sweet ghoul for his own inability to keep other’s around. 

He heard the door open to the side of him and he quickly pushed off the wall and started heading down the hall to where the temporary sleeping quarters for the humans were. He didn’t bother to look back to see who had come out.

  
  
  


When Hide made it back to the room the humans had been assigned to he let out a sigh of relief to find it mostly unoccupied with only a few people there who all seemed to be sleeping. The CCG had set up separate sleeping quarters for the ghouls and the humans, but unlike the ghouls most of the humans working in the relief effort had homes to return to and were not in need of sleeping arrangements at the headquarters. It was mostly the very dedicated workers who stayed here overnight, and Hide, who had no home to return to yet.

It was because of the fact that so few people utilized the space that Hide had managed to snag a bunk in the corner of the room, and tonight he was glad for the privacy that the spot provided him. 

He crawled into bed, not bothering to change into night clothes, and slid his mask off of his face. Breathing in a breath of fresh air, Hide sighed before curling up in his bunk. He closed his eyes and tried to ignore the ache in his chest but he ultimately found himself curling in on himself under the covers holding back tears. He wanted so badly for someone,  _ anyone _ , to just come over and give him some comfort, but he wouldn’t break down and seek it out. It wasn’t fair to anyone else to make them deal with his own problem. Besides, he didn’t think anyone wanted to come near him anyways with the severe scarring that spanned his face and neck, especially not the person he so desperately wanted to comfort him. He would just have to get used to this feeling and move on like he always had.

  
  
  


Over the next few days Hide did what he always did when his thoughts were troubling him: he threw himself into his work. He spent his days working tirelessly helping Marude strategize on how to handle the dragon spawn problem in addition to the problems tokyo was facing from the original Dragon incident. At night he always turned in late, working until he was either forced to stop by a superior or until he couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer. He would then ultimately ended up curled up in his bunk trying to ignore deep aching longing that he felt in his chest.

During this time he didn’t see Kaneki; he specifically tried to avoid his friend. He was afraid that if he saw the other he would cross the boundaries his friend had clearly set when they reunited and would ruin what little chance they had left at rekindling a friendship after so many years apart. Instead he opted to avoid Kaneki until he could get his emotions under control.

  
  


 

Things didn’t change for a week until one night Hide fell asleep in the command room while working on a plan for the next day’s relief efforts. He had been overworking himself long enough that he hadn’t even noticed that he was drifting off at the table, his pen still firmly held in his hand. 

His exhaustion made it so that it was no surprise that he didn’t hear the door open as someone walked into the room, and he definitely didn’t feel the arms that snaked their way under him and carefully lifted him out of his chair. Without knowing it his sleeping form curled into the warmth of the chest that carried him out of the command room and down the vacant hall.

  
  
  


When Hide woke up the first thing he noticed is that he didn’t recognize his surroundings. The second thing he noticed was that there was a pair of warm arms wrapped loosely around him where he laid on a soft surface.

He took a moment to look around and let out a surprised gasp when he looked besides him and found Kaneki laying there, watching him quietly. 

He felt the aching feeling erupt in his chest and he tried to muster up the willpower to struggle out of his friend’s hold but he couldn’t manage to do so. He felt tears brimming up in his eyes and he tried to desperately blink them away.

“Hide,” He heard Kaneki say gently as he shifted an arm so that his hand could reach up and brush a tear from Hide’s face.

“I’m sorry,” Hide managed to choke out, “I’m fine just give me a second it’s nothing,” he rushed to say, not wanting to make a big deal out of the situation. He didn’t want to put Kaneki in an awkward position. 

Kaneki reached a hand up and gently laid a palm on Hide’s cheek. 

“Let it out, Hide,” 

He broke then. 

Hide let out a strangled sob and felt Kaneki pull him in close. Hide cried into his friend’s chest, unable to stop himself now that he had finally let the damn break. The ache in his chest grew despite the arms around him and the feeling of finally being held was overwhelming him. 

A part of him worried that he was making his friend uncomfortable despite the soothing hand rubbing up and down his back as he cried, but he couldn’t make himself stop even for that reason. All of the loneliness and hurt that had built up in him over the past five years that he was in hiding had come to a point and there was no stopping it. 

He was vaguely aware that Kaneki was whispering soothing words into his ears but he wasn’t in a state to understand what was being said. All he could focus on was the warmth around him and the fact that he was finally getting the contact he had craved for so much from his friend. 

“Hide, you need to breath,” He managed to catch Kaneki say at some point when his sobbing had begun to turn to hyperventilating. He did his best to regulate his breaths but couldn’t manage to get them under control. 

“Come on now, try it with me,” Kaneki said soothingly as he took one of Hide’s hands and placed it against is own chest. He began to take a deep breath in and Hide could feel Kaneki’s chest rising under his hand. He realized he was supposed to be breathing in as well and did his best to mimic the motion with minor success. 

Kaneki kept taking deep steady breaths an Hide continued to follow his lead feeling Kaneki’s chest rise and fall as he did so, and eventually his breathing began to even out and it was only then that he realized it felt like his head was buzzing from the lack of oxygen. 

“Good job, Hide,” Kaneki soothed as he gently ran a hand through Hide’s hair. He was embarrassed and he pressed his face into Kaneki’s chest as a quiet sob escaped his lips. He still hadn’t fully managed to stop the tears from falling from his eyes. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t notice sooner,” He heard Kaneki say, a twinge of regret in his voice, “I can’t believe it took Ayato pointing it out to me of all people.”

Hide almost laughed at the statement. It did seem odd to him that the somewhat stoic ghoul had apparently been the one who set this all in motion but he  _ had _ been there for the incident with Hinami when Kaneki had not. 

“It’s not your fault,” Hide finally said, his voice halting with the remaining unevenness of his breath, “I was trying to hide it.”

“Why?” Kaneki asked incredulously before giving Hide a soft pat on the back. 

“Because I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable,” He muttered back, his already quiet voice muffled by the damp fabric of Kaneki’s shirt. 

The other seemed to hear him anyways and shook his head and sighed.

“How much discomfort are you going to put yourself through for my sake?” He asked as he stroked another strand of Hide’s hair from his face, “You know you’re allowed to put yourself first sometimes, right?”

“I know, it’s just that...you’ve already been through so much and I didn’t want to add on to that,” Hide managed to respond. His face still pressed into Kaneki’s chest. He realized the cloth that usually masked his face was pulled down around his neck and he quickly moved to pull it back up over his face, unable to quell the urge to hide what he thought Kaneki didn’t want to see. Kaneki’s hand stopped him.

“First of all,” the other started as he took Hide’s hand off of the cloth and held it firmly in his hand, “Stop that. You don’t need to hide your scars around me.” 

Hide relented waited for Kaneki to continue

“And second of all, you wouldn’t have been ‘adding on’ to any of the problems that I had caused on my own because it’s  _ not _ a problem,” Kaneki said definitively, “And even if it was, I would be fine if it was for you.”

Hide blushed slightly despite himself at the words. He couldn’t help but feel lighter at the words.

“Thanks, Kaneki,” he said quietly.

“Any time,” Kaneki answered before he placed a gentle kiss on Hide’s head. Hide fully blushed at that but if he could still smile he would be beaming right now. 

“We can talk more about it later,” Kaneki said after a moment, his voice quiet, “For now get some sleep. You’ve been overworking yourself and you know it.

Hide couldn’t argue with that and he let out a content sigh and shifted his position to make himself more comfortable in Kaneki’s arms. It wasn’t long before he drifted back off to sleep.

  
  
  


Over the next few days there were some changes to Hide’s life. For starters, he and Kaneki had finally had a proper talk and much to Hide’s surprise, Kaneki returned the feelings that Hide had for him and had vowed to do better to meet Hide’s needs. 

That may have been the most drastic change, but there were other’s too. Hide started to notice that the other ghouls still housed at the CCG had begun to treat him differently. Mostly they had gotten more touchy with him. 

Hinami gave him a tight hug every time she saw him, Touka was always reaching up to brush a stray strand of hair from his face or resting a hand on his shoulder when she spoke to him, and even Nishio had given him a firm pat on the back the other day when they had talked. 

Hide had a feeling that Kaneki had spoken to them about the fact that he had gone for so long without any contact from other people, and he was honestly grateful for the changes. He wouldn’t admit it out loud, but the casual touches from them all was doing Hide’s mental health good and the ache that he had been ignoring in his chest was beginning to fade away.

He still occasionally got a little overwhelmed by the contact from the others since he wasn’t used to it, especially when it came from Kaneki, but they were all patient with him when he paused his sentences to swallow down a lump in his throat or “casually” rubbed at his eyes so that tears wouldn’t fall. 

Overall he was very grateful.

  
  
  


“So how did you get them all on board with this?” Hide asked Kaneki not long after he had spoken with Ayato and gotten an firm pat on the arm from the other man.

“I didn’t really do much of anything,” Kaneki admitted sheepishly, “I just kind of told them they should give you some extra physical contact and they all seemed to agree. You’re well liked among them you know.”

Hide hummed and gave Kaneki a pleased look. 

“I guess I’m lucky then,” He answered a moment later. He looked away then, embarrassed about what he was about to say. 

“It’s really nice though,” he said, unable to look Kaneki in the eye, “and it’s helping a lot with making me feel less isolated. So...Thank you Kaneki.”

He felt one of Kaneki’s hands place itself firmly on his shoulder and he couldn’t help but lean into the touch a little. 

“Anything you need, Hide, and I’ll make it happen,” Kaneki answered, a soft grin on his face.

Hide gave him a shy smile with his eyes before closing them and resting his hand on top of the one on his shoulder. 

He might still have moments now where the loneliness he had gotten used to would creep up on him, but with Kaneki’s efforts he could feel it ebbing away day by day and he knew that soon there would come a time where he would be okay. 

“Thank you, Kaneki.” 

“Any time, Hide.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!   
> Comments and feedback are appreciated!


End file.
